She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
