I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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