omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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