I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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