Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
