Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
