I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
