swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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