Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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