You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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