If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
