I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
