Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
