i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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