I want to make a zoo with you.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
