I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
