Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
