Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
