The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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