Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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