We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
