God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
