just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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