My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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