You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
oh god was she eating orange peels again
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
