After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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