That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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