i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
