I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
