I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
