hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
