That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
