I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize