I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
third nipple confirmed
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
