i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
