you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
