All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
