sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were trust falling into bushes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
