If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
