I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
