I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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