Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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