Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My hand turned me down
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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