So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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