I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
