as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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