I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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