and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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