I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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