textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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