12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
