Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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