i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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