Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Someone signed my nipple.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
