i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
