Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
