she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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