Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
