Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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